The Maldivian Highway Code

Lanky: Each morning and afternoon Rich and I walk to and from work. ‘So what?’, I hear the more petulant amongst you cry like some twelve year old on four bottles of VK, too much San Andreas and too little father-figure. Well ‘what’ is that this involves negotiating the rather treacherous roads of Male. With roads being approximately the width of a recently dieting Michelle McManus the heady concoction of cars, a relentless stream of mopeds and your bigger (slicker) than your average Maldivian in the form of Rich and myself makes for perilous journeys for you hirsute heroes. However our intimacy with the drivers and driving practices has led us to become experts in the Maldivian highway code and below are the 6 key rules to negotiating the roads of Male…

Rule 1 – Do not look when pulling out.

This is a common mistake that many first time drivers make. There really isn’t any need, there’s enough punters kicking about to let you know; either by tooting their horns (see below) or by considerately careening into your side and ensuring their limp body helpfully performs an energetic belly flop into the road ahead of you…

Rule 2 – Absolutely do not stop. Ever.

There’s no need really. With the island 3 km wide we’ve all got places to be kids. It’s particularly important to NOT stop when there is no visible route through a jam ahead. These things have a habit of working themselves out.

Rule 3 – Absolutely do stop. Whenever and wherever.

If you need to pull over to block two really tall westerners just as they cross the street and quite possibly force them to try out their new found flexibility from all those games of twister they’ve been playing (naked), go ahead. You get extra points for that.

Rule 4 – Use your horn liberally.

No, you dirty wags you, this is not an encouragement for you to use your wand to wield wizardry whenever possible. Instead it refers to the button you press that makes quite a considerable amount of noise whenever someone stops quite unexpectedly in the middle of the road. In these instances be sure to press the horn for at least 5 minutes straight even if it is clear the vehicle won’t be moving for a good ten. Indeed this is an excellent way to forge community spirit because before you know it you’ll be joined by three or four fellow drivers tooting away to their heart’s content. In fact you’ll find it’s really enjoyable to have a competition who can toot their horn for the longest continuous period. Like most things in life the longer the better.

Hayday: Rule 5 – Under no circumstances (unless the President’s son has recently been involved in an accident) wear a safety helmet.

Falling off a bike at 25mph is known to definitely not cause any serious injuries or scarring of the face under the right eye…

Rule 6 – It is imperative that young children (from 6 months of age onwards) get a taste of the highway.

Whilst riding with a minor (come on wags Lanky has warned you about this) ensure that they can either a) reach the handle bars themselves or b) have developed sufficient expertise from their Fisherprice / Mothercare training to balance themselves independently. At no time should the minor distract you from your important mobile phone conversation or the lighting of a cigarette.

Authors’ Note: Both the authors of the Highway Code are keen to express that this is not to suggest that Maldivian drivers are any worse than those encountered in Blighty. One author, for instance, can testify that being chased around the A3 by some rudeboy in a souped-up white van wielding a baseball bat has yet to be trumped in Male despite his penchant doing commando roles across roads and then crying, ‘Hi ho silver Easy Company!’

Furthermore we’re yet to see an accident so maybe they’ve actually got it down to a tee.