A fish called Wanda.

Hayday: We undertook our first dive after work on Thursday. We went to the dive shop at 3pm and Abdullah (as we would find out) looked at us and measured what size kit we would need. We then drove standing up on the back of a van to the boat and headed out to a wreck for our first dive! The PADI book had informed us that we would do our first few dives either in a pool or shallow water…to be fair it was shallow-ish water but still in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Lanky: The boy Hayday doesn’t lie. I’m fairly sure that by taking us to the middle of the Indian Ocean (well a mile or so off an island, which is quite some distance in the Maldives) they were contravening some sort of diving bylaw but we weren’t exactly in a position to dispute this at length. I also suspect that neither Richard nor I wanted to look like wimps despite the fact that we were most certainly whimpering away under our John Wayne set jaws. The fact that the boat anchored right slap bang next to a ground freighter half of which seemed to be precariously poised (to me at least) right over where we were intending on diving just added to the sense of adventure. Sort of.

Hayday: On the way out Abdullah went through how to kit-up and what exercise we would have to complete under the water to pass the first practical test. Well this is all well and good but when the English is not that coherent and when you have an engine pounding away you kind-of hear every other word which when you understand that one of the drills involves you taking your regulator (air piece) out and then swimming to your buddy to take a breath from their spare from their tank you will comprehend the significance of being able to understand what is asked of you. In my usual blonde like way I just accepted my fait and looked at Lanky for re-assurance…what a place to look!!

Putting the wet suit on was ‘fun’ (I put it on the wrong way round initially and had zip on chest hair issues…) and jumping into the water with a tank etc was interesting.

My adrenalin was pumping and I was slightly petrified and wondered why was I doing this? I have never really got my head around physics. Once I had worked out how to stay under – well Abdullah found an oil drum and added it to my weight belt (being fat means apparently I am more buoyant) - we duly completed the tasks and then went for a swim around the wreck. Simply awesome. It was so relaxing and despite minor ear pressure issues and pressing the wrong button on my BCD which meant that I went up rather than down I think I got the hang of this new world. The marine life was ok but nowhere as near as good as the snorkelling that I did on the Island reef that I visited on my honeymoon.

On this note I should say that Lanky looked rather fetching in his attire and wet suits clearly suit the fella more than his ‘buddy’ (diving technical term which I will ask PADI to revise upon my return to the UK because a) it is very Yankafied and b) our partnership is based on the fact there are only 2 in the class – do you honestly think I would put my life in the hands of a man who shaves half my head at grade 1 when I asked for 4, who pours water into my coke and who knocks over glasses full of water into my crutch whilst out to lunch with office colleagues…).

Lanky: Before I go any further it’s important that I say how much of a gun Hayden looked in his gear. Honestly it was enough to make any self-respecting human being hot with admiration. He told me he’d give me a Chinese burn if I didn’t tell you that. Also I looked more like a scarecrow than a supple Bond who surreptitiously scuba-dives up to an enemy base and then surfs the rest. Stealthy.

While Recharge was experiencing some minor logistical issues I had, by some remarkable stroke of fortune that had more to do with blind luck (surprisingly) than any inherent ‘lanky duck to water’ aptitude, managed to master my breathing and was pleasantly resting on my knees at the bottom of the sea! I decided to hum to myself Under the Sea while I took in the exhilarating, life-changing and earth-shattering fact that I was breathing under water. Just as the manual had promised; in fact it’s worth quoting it at length since it was EXACTLY like this,

‘With that first underwater breath the door opens to a different world. Not a world apart, but different nonetheless. Go through that door. Your life will never be the same.

If you seek adventure, you’ll find plenty. Closer than you ever imagined.’

Well we went through that door. In fact we kicked that auburn backdoor of underwater adventure in. N.B. My mum had promised to buy me, aged six, The Little Mermaid as a reward for getting into a school until I had, while waiting for my interview, remarked loudly to said mother of mine that the mother of another applicant had garish attire which struck me as plain ‘mucky’ or ‘smutty’ or something and that she herself was ‘pretty flabby’. I honestly saw nothing wrong with my comments but I’m not sure if I ever did get the remarkable adventures of Ariel the mermaid on VHS…

Hayday: Mrs Nettel can we go halves on buying your son The Little Mermaid for Xmas as he continually harps on about this? – it is clear that this incident has had a deep long lasting impact on his psychological wellbeing. The whole way out to our dive site all I heard was “do you think she will be there”….who Lanky…“the little Mermaid”…god help me…the fourth week has progressed from Phil Collins to a bloody Disney character.