Global Diabetes Walk

Hayday: Well the big day has arrived - both Lanky and I are nervous about our 5km walk for Global Diabetes. The path is a loop of Male and we are grateful that they have built in a 15 minute stretching exercise. We are slightly concerned that we have not brought any Vaseline with us as we have been informed by the Hayden / Moon charity lightweights that did the Great North Run this year that this was an imperative step….not for medical reasons as I would not trust the source but more for the ‘camaraderie’ aspect….as the Pub Landlord would say “I have never been confused”…

Lanky: Well we’ve just returned from our Global Diabetes Walk and it seemed that we were deceived. 5 km ended up being more like one. In fact Rich and I actually walked it twice as we choose to gallivant to the start of the walk from our new abode, Sandy Beach (it’s not), which ended up being exactly where the walk concluded. However it was a highly enjoyable experience for a number of reasons. The first was the fifteen minute warm up prior to the half hour slow walk. All walkers were gathered in their various groups with the police to the army to the police being present (I’m sure the Colombos amongst you are picking up a theme). There was also the Ministry for Arts, Dhiragoo (the Maldives’ Vodafone) and, of course, the mighty Care Society smattered amongst the forces. We all lined up and did strenuous stretching exercises that everyone seemed to think hilarious, especially when two English, inflexible and lofty louts bowled up and tried to touch their toes. (Not their toes, our toes obviously. We’re not some sort of foot fetish deviants you know?) I wanted to tell them that if they thought that was funny they should try and catch Rich doing the cramp relief stretch at 13 metres underwater; ‘dog chasing it’s tail’ doesn’t do it justice.

Hayday: Can I just point out that I have years on this boy and have been in a few self-induced scraps during my years. This combined with believing the golden M propaganda that their meals provide a nutritious balanced diet has meant that flexibility is not once what it used to be. May I also point out that during this walk I did not once step on any of my charity compatriots feet like some other tall clumsy baboon…

Lanky: The second humorous moment was my discovery that little Ricky had, in his youth, been a committed scout (there were hundreds of these punters in addition to the platoon and entire constabulary present). Indeed in his illustrious career he had risen to Patrol Leader and had, at one point, received the greatest honour of all; he had carried the Kent Scouts’ flag at some county Scout Appreciation Celebrations (or something). He wore gleaming white gloves no less. If I’m honest that absolutely made my day and after that no amount of water fights or bizarre dancing that followed could top it.

Hayday: Can I just point out that I am proud of my cubs and scouts days Mr Nettel and your hat would not have been repaired if it had not been for my desire and determination to obtain as many badges on my green little outfit as possible. Furthermore my wizard friend, it is not me that has brought out university attire to try and impress the ladies. Schmuck.

Lanky: Following that startling discovery we proceeded to walk. Slowly and not very far for that matter. However we had the delightful company of the Care Society teachers who had the audacity to try and race us at slow walking. However our natural skill and agility saw us victorious; it was particularly impressive when we employed a couple of text book body checks on our rivals at pivotal moments.

Hayday: One slight sobering admission, particularly for the future of the health service, was our inability to concentrate for the 1km walk. The authorities stupidly decided to give each participant a delightful wee bottle of water. Yes you guessed it. Lanky could not resist walking up behind me and tipping a bottle of water over my head right in front of the Maldivian BBC and the delightful teachers….well I could take no more. If it had not been for the 20,000 police and 10,034 army personnel taking part in the walk, I would have implemented a far more serious retaliation strategy….one probably involving the Russian police. But yet I composed myself and acted with maturity by tipping my bottle of water in the vicinity of the deviant’s groin. Yes you are right that was a good shot to find such a small target. Naturally we also included some of the teachers in this team morale raising exercise.

After the walk we attended the after party whereby we were treated to some very bizarre dancing by a group of young ladies….not bizarre in the style of dancing but more the fact that it was quite racy for the shores of this beautiful country. Needless to say the audience was very quiet and subdued……..bar one ……..yep Lanky decided to ‘bust some shapes’ and occasionally proclaim a few ‘whoops’ to encourage the ladies efforts. You have to admire him really – he was naturally shattered after the strenuous demands of the walk but he forced himself to offer support.

At work the next day we were informed that we had appeared on Maldivian TV – not sure how that really happened as I thought we blended in quite well but needless to say we now alternate our route to work in order not to be mobbed by our fans.

The Maldivian Highway Code

Lanky: Each morning and afternoon Rich and I walk to and from work. ‘So what?’, I hear the more petulant amongst you cry like some twelve year old on four bottles of VK, too much San Andreas and too little father-figure. Well ‘what’ is that this involves negotiating the rather treacherous roads of Male. With roads being approximately the width of a recently dieting Michelle McManus the heady concoction of cars, a relentless stream of mopeds and your bigger (slicker) than your average Maldivian in the form of Rich and myself makes for perilous journeys for you hirsute heroes. However our intimacy with the drivers and driving practices has led us to become experts in the Maldivian highway code and below are the 6 key rules to negotiating the roads of Male…

Rule 1 – Do not look when pulling out.

This is a common mistake that many first time drivers make. There really isn’t any need, there’s enough punters kicking about to let you know; either by tooting their horns (see below) or by considerately careening into your side and ensuring their limp body helpfully performs an energetic belly flop into the road ahead of you…

Rule 2 – Absolutely do not stop. Ever.

There’s no need really. With the island 3 km wide we’ve all got places to be kids. It’s particularly important to NOT stop when there is no visible route through a jam ahead. These things have a habit of working themselves out.

Rule 3 – Absolutely do stop. Whenever and wherever.

If you need to pull over to block two really tall westerners just as they cross the street and quite possibly force them to try out their new found flexibility from all those games of twister they’ve been playing (naked), go ahead. You get extra points for that.

Rule 4 – Use your horn liberally.

No, you dirty wags you, this is not an encouragement for you to use your wand to wield wizardry whenever possible. Instead it refers to the button you press that makes quite a considerable amount of noise whenever someone stops quite unexpectedly in the middle of the road. In these instances be sure to press the horn for at least 5 minutes straight even if it is clear the vehicle won’t be moving for a good ten. Indeed this is an excellent way to forge community spirit because before you know it you’ll be joined by three or four fellow drivers tooting away to their heart’s content. In fact you’ll find it’s really enjoyable to have a competition who can toot their horn for the longest continuous period. Like most things in life the longer the better.

Hayday: Rule 5 – Under no circumstances (unless the President’s son has recently been involved in an accident) wear a safety helmet.

Falling off a bike at 25mph is known to definitely not cause any serious injuries or scarring of the face under the right eye…

Rule 6 – It is imperative that young children (from 6 months of age onwards) get a taste of the highway.

Whilst riding with a minor (come on wags Lanky has warned you about this) ensure that they can either a) reach the handle bars themselves or b) have developed sufficient expertise from their Fisherprice / Mothercare training to balance themselves independently. At no time should the minor distract you from your important mobile phone conversation or the lighting of a cigarette.

Authors’ Note: Both the authors of the Highway Code are keen to express that this is not to suggest that Maldivian drivers are any worse than those encountered in Blighty. One author, for instance, can testify that being chased around the A3 by some rudeboy in a souped-up white van wielding a baseball bat has yet to be trumped in Male despite his penchant doing commando roles across roads and then crying, ‘Hi ho silver Easy Company!’

Furthermore we’re yet to see an accident so maybe they’ve actually got it down to a tee.

To the faithful massive

Lanky: Well firstly an apology to all our faithful readers. I realise that we haven’t blogged for quite some time but there is a reason for this. Hayday and I went undercover, deep undercover, in an effort to assist the firm but probably not fair Maldivian police put together a robust highway code. Actually that’s a complete fabrication really (although there’ll be more on the highway code later). In fact Rich’s delightful missus, Sarah, came to stay. Since Recharge is the motivated one around here and I’m the brilliant but lazy latter-day wizard absolutely no blogging occurred.

In fact if I’m honest with you all, which I feel we’re all close enough now to be, not a huge amount has really happened. The Maldives for all its charms has not exactly been Rio de Janeiro (that’s for you Lewis) for your indomitable heroes. In fact it’s not even been a slightly budget party island in Thailand for that matter. Instead we’ve (well just me really) actually had a rather pleasant time reading Jane Austen, buying a hat, playing bowls and getting some new dentures fitted.

Hayday: It is interesting that whilst I am distracted by the delightful better half, the above baboon failed to rise to the challenge to take the lead and ensure that our avid followers were entertained. I wonder whether this failure to rise continues in other aspects of his life…

Lanky: Just to put all those ladies’ and gentlemen’s minds out there at rest I suffer no such problems. Anyway I’ve got this one friend, right, that does have the problem and he told me that you can get medication and it in fact makes you even better. That’s what my friend told me.

One menu to rule them all...

Lanky: On the Thursday we decided to take Nashwaan and Aruf for a business lunch. Aruf, ever the culinary connoisseur, took us to the romantically named Food Bank. All four of us sat down and were promptly brought our menus. Well that’s not entirely accurate. Ricky-boy and I were brought menus while our colleagues were conspicuously menu-less. I remarked on this as it wasn’t that unusual an occurrence since most Maldivians seem to be under the impression that being of a white-skinned inclination that we clean our noses with fifty quid notes while we expel pure gold out of our behinds. I certainly do don’t you?

However it was when we had a glance at the prices that we thought something was fishy. It seemed the prices were considerably greater than when Aruf had last been there, which had only been a few days previously. We decided to challenge the waiter. Well I say challenged because before we could say ‘listen here old chap, these prices do seem awfully…’ he’d whipped the menus out of our hands and brought back four slightly more well-worn menus whose prices were a third of those that we’d been not so cunningly or effectively duped into considering moments before. The excuse from the cheeky chappy was that the portions were bigger in the first menu but my calculations for the price of the steak in the first menu I would have expected an entire cow’s butt cheek to sink my teeth into. Then it might have been value for money.

Hayday: Now the above sounds all very amicable but Lanky has been a bit selective with his recount of this truly epic event. After being brought the non-western menu by the head waiter, Lanky took it upon himself to ask the right honourable fella “Is it coz we’s white?” A truly amazing moment when the whole ‘Food Bank’ went quiet and I found myself ready to join my brother in his fight for freedom, democracy and a fair transparent menu system for western people. If it were not for the fact that we were in the midst of a ‘business lunch’ I would have broken out with my rendition of Michael Jackson’s ‘Black or White’. But alas I composed myself and re-engaged with our colleagues in the deep and meaningful discussion of the interactions of young youths in British society today.

A fish called Wanda.

Hayday: We undertook our first dive after work on Thursday. We went to the dive shop at 3pm and Abdullah (as we would find out) looked at us and measured what size kit we would need. We then drove standing up on the back of a van to the boat and headed out to a wreck for our first dive! The PADI book had informed us that we would do our first few dives either in a pool or shallow water…to be fair it was shallow-ish water but still in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Lanky: The boy Hayday doesn’t lie. I’m fairly sure that by taking us to the middle of the Indian Ocean (well a mile or so off an island, which is quite some distance in the Maldives) they were contravening some sort of diving bylaw but we weren’t exactly in a position to dispute this at length. I also suspect that neither Richard nor I wanted to look like wimps despite the fact that we were most certainly whimpering away under our John Wayne set jaws. The fact that the boat anchored right slap bang next to a ground freighter half of which seemed to be precariously poised (to me at least) right over where we were intending on diving just added to the sense of adventure. Sort of.

Hayday: On the way out Abdullah went through how to kit-up and what exercise we would have to complete under the water to pass the first practical test. Well this is all well and good but when the English is not that coherent and when you have an engine pounding away you kind-of hear every other word which when you understand that one of the drills involves you taking your regulator (air piece) out and then swimming to your buddy to take a breath from their spare from their tank you will comprehend the significance of being able to understand what is asked of you. In my usual blonde like way I just accepted my fait and looked at Lanky for re-assurance…what a place to look!!

Putting the wet suit on was ‘fun’ (I put it on the wrong way round initially and had zip on chest hair issues…) and jumping into the water with a tank etc was interesting.

My adrenalin was pumping and I was slightly petrified and wondered why was I doing this? I have never really got my head around physics. Once I had worked out how to stay under – well Abdullah found an oil drum and added it to my weight belt (being fat means apparently I am more buoyant) - we duly completed the tasks and then went for a swim around the wreck. Simply awesome. It was so relaxing and despite minor ear pressure issues and pressing the wrong button on my BCD which meant that I went up rather than down I think I got the hang of this new world. The marine life was ok but nowhere as near as good as the snorkelling that I did on the Island reef that I visited on my honeymoon.

On this note I should say that Lanky looked rather fetching in his attire and wet suits clearly suit the fella more than his ‘buddy’ (diving technical term which I will ask PADI to revise upon my return to the UK because a) it is very Yankafied and b) our partnership is based on the fact there are only 2 in the class – do you honestly think I would put my life in the hands of a man who shaves half my head at grade 1 when I asked for 4, who pours water into my coke and who knocks over glasses full of water into my crutch whilst out to lunch with office colleagues…).

Lanky: Before I go any further it’s important that I say how much of a gun Hayden looked in his gear. Honestly it was enough to make any self-respecting human being hot with admiration. He told me he’d give me a Chinese burn if I didn’t tell you that. Also I looked more like a scarecrow than a supple Bond who surreptitiously scuba-dives up to an enemy base and then surfs the rest. Stealthy.

While Recharge was experiencing some minor logistical issues I had, by some remarkable stroke of fortune that had more to do with blind luck (surprisingly) than any inherent ‘lanky duck to water’ aptitude, managed to master my breathing and was pleasantly resting on my knees at the bottom of the sea! I decided to hum to myself Under the Sea while I took in the exhilarating, life-changing and earth-shattering fact that I was breathing under water. Just as the manual had promised; in fact it’s worth quoting it at length since it was EXACTLY like this,

‘With that first underwater breath the door opens to a different world. Not a world apart, but different nonetheless. Go through that door. Your life will never be the same.

If you seek adventure, you’ll find plenty. Closer than you ever imagined.’

Well we went through that door. In fact we kicked that auburn backdoor of underwater adventure in. N.B. My mum had promised to buy me, aged six, The Little Mermaid as a reward for getting into a school until I had, while waiting for my interview, remarked loudly to said mother of mine that the mother of another applicant had garish attire which struck me as plain ‘mucky’ or ‘smutty’ or something and that she herself was ‘pretty flabby’. I honestly saw nothing wrong with my comments but I’m not sure if I ever did get the remarkable adventures of Ariel the mermaid on VHS…

Hayday: Mrs Nettel can we go halves on buying your son The Little Mermaid for Xmas as he continually harps on about this? – it is clear that this incident has had a deep long lasting impact on his psychological wellbeing. The whole way out to our dive site all I heard was “do you think she will be there”….who Lanky…“the little Mermaid”…god help me…the fourth week has progressed from Phil Collins to a bloody Disney character.

Hi my name’s Ron Livingston…Here it is.

Lanky: On Friday night, because we’re that hip, we decided to watch the ‘extras’ to the Band of Brothers DVD, which has become a huge favourite amongst the men of Hay-nky Company (sort of like Brangelina but without the abducted African and Asian kids or good looks). Indeed we’ve got so into it that we’ve tried to adopt their combat hand signals. For instance pointing to the eyes then adding a flourish of a fist pumped to the left with conviction and then much pointing in various directions all while ducking down behind a random wall means, well, I’m not sure really but it looks pretty pro I reckon…

Anyway one of the extras is a video diary by Ron Livingston, ‘an actor who plays the intelligence officer for Easy Company, an heroic group of soldiers who survived adversity we could only imagine and who are now being celebrated and brought thrillingly to life in HBO’s biggest and most exciting project yet… Band of Brothers.’ The reason I’m able to quote that word for word was that there were thirteen episodes of this video diary each ten minutes long and each with an opening credits of two minutes in which Ron kindly whittles on and through the above. It’s basically full of lots of actors being put through an army boot camp to prepare them for the realities of…making a series about fighting and stuff. But regardless there’s lots of male banter (‘shooting the shit’ as Ron eloquently puts it) with actors trying to look funny and witty in the few moments they’re being filmed by Ron (they fail pretty badly and Donnie Wahlberg is particularly not funny; sort of like this blog actually). Ron’s turns out to be a bit of a wimp although an endearing one and gets absolutely owned by one of the Sergeants training him because he’s such a cocky little Ron. However for Richy and I that video diary is the closest to friends we’re going to get to for the next five weeks sooo….

Anyway I hope that sates your dogging, sorry, blogging desires for now and I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Ron.

‘Hi I’m Ron Livingston and I’m blah blah blah blah…’

Oniongate...

Hayday: Bit of a crisis in the Maldives at the moment is that the price of onions has quadrupled in the last few days due to limited stock from adjacent countries caused by poor weather. Not sure what is going to happen as onions form the basis of most dishes – Lanky is very partial to eating whole onions like an apple and if he does not get his daily quota god knows what may happen.

Therefore we may be asking our agents that are coming to visit to bring suit case of onions with them so we can sell them on the black market. Usually oil is the dominant economic force in most countries but onions seem to have a powerful impact in the Maldives.

The day after the night before...

Hayday: I awoke this morning with a sore head and very very very heavy eyes. Yes one could point the finger at that poison that is known as beer but I think the true problem lies with the amount of smoke that was in the ‘bar’ last night. Kids – it kills.

Thankfully the football ended up with a diplomatic outcome although Lanky’s celebration to Arsenal’s equaliser nearly resulted in a Glaswegian kiss from Hayday! The baboon. I will be taking up this lack of discipline with his parents upon my return to the UK.

My celebration to the Liverpool stunner was more measured but one would expect that. I still feel gutted that they equalised but the Gooners did play some good football and the result was fair. God I hate saying that.

Lanky: I think Recharge makes an astute point there. While they didn’t have a whole lot going forward the ‘Pool were making their extra man count through the middle. While I felt they were lucky in places they were also unlucky to lose Alonso. Maybe that made the difference. Perhaps we should have pipped them at the end but then if Billy hadn’t made a clutch tackle on Gerrard at the close it could have swung the other way too. Honours even and rightly so then but I suspect it will be the young Gunners who will have left Anfield the happier.

Hayday: We had an amusing trip back from the bar (we had to travel to the airport to succeed in our quest of watching the game with beer) as it was a very rough crossing and the beer and garlic chicken burger (which we were asked how we would like it cooked and so I replied preferably cooked) seemed to swell in our bellies and the captain decided to stack the boat in to the front of the harbour. Brilliant. I have lodged a whiplash claim with the appropriate bodies.

Response to BBC…

Hayday: Wow Lanky…still cannot believe that we provided our avid readers with some hard hitting facts about Male…its not all sun, sea, surf and fast food.

Lanky: Too true Recharge, too true. Not only do they adore the wizard himself but they also seem to have a great love for Celine Dion and Aqua as well.

On a less uproarious and more sober note it was really quite thought provoking to read our man (from the BBC) in Male’s viewpoint on the capital island after three weeks spent ‘living it’.

My immediate response was to consider how ‘true’ a reflection I felt it was of the Male I had come to know. The first thing that I’ve begun to notice, and that the report highlights, is quite how crowded the island feels. Interestingly I’ve only begun to really feel this since we returned from our trip to the resort. Prior to that the density of the population hadn’t really struck me as I suspect growing up in outer London had anaesthetised me a touch to being amongst a teeming population.

Interestingly I’ve never felt that there were too many people around as such but it’s the premium of space, unsurprisingly, that really gives the game away. In Care Society space is at such a premium that people are boxed into spaces that would prove a challenge for an accomplished gymnast to get into. Equally the size of rooms are simply smaller while it’s not unusual when walking around the city to see families of seven or eight children cramped into the makeshift living room watching TV. Our colleagues and friends from Male back this up by stating that privacy and personal space is virtually non-existent as most families (as in aunts, uncles, cousins etc.) all live together in housing that we would deem appropriate for maybe only a family of four. In fact the housing market here seems to rival that of London’s; it’s not cheap and it often takes a whole extended family each working more than one job to provide them with appropriate housing.

However these factors are seemingly contradicted by the presence of an incongruously large amount of shops that provide what luxury goods such as quality clothing and electrical goods. Indeed there are literally hundreds of shops that sell these products with no discernable difference between a shop and it’s competitors. All the clothes shops seem to sell exactly the same thing as another shop that is, also, often right next to it. Indeed it’s not unusual for whole promenades of shops that are exactly the same to stretch out before you. Who it is that buys these products and how these shops survive is a mystery to us. Especially considering they always seem perpetually empty or closed.

Yet there is clearly a chosen few who have serious capital to get rid of and perhaps therein lies the answer. Despite the speed limit on the island being an eye-watering 25 mph there are a large number of souped up rude-boy motors (‘iced out’ rims and all) as well as the odd Audi TT that parade the roads. The thing we can’t get over is that neither the law nor the roads (that are tiny and make for treacherous journeys to work) allow for a full bodied flexing of these automobile’s muscle. It must get unbelievably frustrating (although this is coming s\from a man who has acquired quite a collection of speeding tickets in his time). Despite this a favourite Maldivian past-time is to drive round the island. Again. And again. And again…

The people themselves are pleasantly non-confrontational and accommodating. Richie also pointed out that for such a cramped place they seem to, refreshingly, be able to avoid fighting each other. Equally I’ve not seen any evidence of fundamentalism (but then I don’t see why I would) and actually people seem a lot more relaxed regarding clothing, behaviour etc. than we had been led to believe before we came out here. Undoubtedly the widely available American soups and TV shows such as The OC, Sweet Valley High etc. have had a considerable and comprehensive effect on the younger generation of the island (who make up the majority of the population in fact) and their attitudes.

Hayday: What an observant little chap you are Lanky and I agree entirely with your synopsis. Although it is only week 3, I am not sure that I share some of the comments raised by the right honourable BBC man. At first glance some of his observations are valid but after spending time consumed within the lifestyle and being able to remove some of our western filters (think Lanky that is 1-0 to me on the use of the word) I have not felt the impact of the densely populated island nor have I been aware of fundamentalism. There are many positives that I will take from this experience and we have a lot to learn from this fantastic place - the sense of family and value of an unstructured lifestyle to name but a few.

New Male (Hulhumale) is a very ‘interesting place’ and concept. Hulhumale is a man made island which is a 20 minute boat trip away from the capital. Once the second phase of the land reclamation project is complete, it will be twice the area of Male yet the government plan to inhabit the island with only 15% of the population. From our visits it is clear that this 15% will be the wealthy and the wealthy only. The infrastructure on the new island is remarkable and it is clear were some of the tourist income has been spent. It is a very impressive project but difficult to truly admire when its purpose is to continue to enlarge the gulf between rich and poor.

Editors Notes: Obviously we respect the copyright laws and would like to highlight that indeed the BBC have written a well balanced account of Male…and that the BBC is a fabulous institution that makes both Lanky and Hayday proud to be British…well sort of…

BBC about Male: Concrete heart of tourist paradise

The BBC's Andrew Whitehead reports from Male, capital of the Maldives, a remote island nation going through rapid political and social change (15/5/2007).

The Maldives conjures up images of pristine white sand, shallow azure seas and unspoilt coral reefs.

Flying in from southern India, I could see all these - an entrancing sight as the plane flew low over wisps of atolls surrounded by crystal clear aquamarine waters.

But the capital, Male, is different. It is one of the most crowded places on earth.

A third of the Maldivian population of 300,000 lives there - in under four square kilometres. And that is not counting the thousands of Sri Lankans and Bangladeshis drafted in to do the menial work.

Male is awash with building sites. There is only one way to go. Up. Eight- and 10-storey blocks are springing up.

The island has a busy, prosperous feel, with well stocked mini supermarkets, smart fashion stores, shops selling Hollywood and Bollywood DVDs as well as films, many of them horror movies judging by the posters, in the local language, Dhivehi.

It would not take more than 30 minutes to walk wherever you want in Male. But every self-respecting youngster has a motorbike.

Back streets have become huge parking lots. Traffic sometimes slows to walking pace. My taxi driver told me that tiny Male now has 20 sets of traffic lights.

Not many of the thousands of foreign tourists attracted to the luxury atoll resorts make it to Male. But their spending power has transformed the economy.

The country's average income - more than $2,500 (£1,260) a year - is well above the South Asian average.

Signs of democracy

There is another side to the Maldives. I went there to attend a Unesco-sponsored conference on press freedom. There has not been much of that in the Maldives.

President Maumoon Gayoom has been in power for almost 30 years. Critics have described him as a dictator. Opponents have been locked up and there has been international criticism of human rights abuses.

But President Gayoom, towards the close of his career, has opted for democracy. The Maldives is having its first multi-party elections next year. Opposition parties have been permitted. Newspapers and magazines have sprung up as media controls have eased.

Opposition activists argue that the government's commitment to reform is insincere. They say they still suffer harassment and detention.

The editor of the opposition daily Minivan (Freedom) could face six months imprisonment for an article seen by the government as inciting violence.

She told me that the language used had been too strong, and the paper's own editorial procedures had not been followed. But how, she said, could that justify a jail sentence?

The opposition Maldivian Democratic Party (MDP) contains several former allies of the president.

Its supporters say that its strongest links are with the British Conservatives. Three MDP activists are apparently in the UK finding out about canvassing and campaigning, though no one is quite clear how lessons learned in British local elections will translate to remote palm-fringed lagoons.

Fundamentalism

Another rising force is Islamic radicalism. Some Islamic parties are demanding a harder line against drugs. Dealers and users already face stiff penalties, but some observers estimate that several thousand Maldivians are injecting heroin.

In a Male back-street, I found a VCD glorifying the Afghan mujahideen on sale for 25 Maldivian rufiyaa, or $2. A minister told me that what she called "foreign" preachers were to blame for encouraging fundamentalism.

The Maldives is universally and uniformly Sunni Muslim. No other religion is allowed. Labourers from Sri Lanka cannot even bring in small Buddhist icons.

But the religious tradition in the Maldives - Male boasts some remarkable coral mosques, about the only evidence of its old culture - has been gentle and tolerant.

Most, but by no means all, women in Male wear the "buragaa", the Islamic head scarf. It is becoming increasingly popular. But the culture is relaxed, and women play a conspicuous role in the civil service and other areas of public life.

Literacy levels are high, though those seeking professional qualifications have to head abroad.

Male, of course, is not the Maldives. There are almost 200 other inhabited islands spread across a vast swathe of ocean - none anything like as developed.

And the influx from the atolls for the best schools, hospitals and career opportunities means that what the people of Male most lack is privacy. Flats are small. Every square foot is used. The only beach in the capital island is artificial.

The Maldives has now embarked on a massive project. A new Male.

A brand new island is being built, an overspill which will in time be bigger than the capital island. Already hundreds are living there on reclaimed land. There is talk of constructing a bridge or causeway.

Whatever may be said of the Maldives, it is not lacking in ambition.

Meeru, Meeru, Meeru

Hayday: Hot shower, beer, fruit & veg, satellite TV, and more beer……bloody heaven. This is simply paradise.

We arrived on Thursday night after a one hour speedboat transfer whereby Lanky fell asleep and drooled down the window. What a fantastic companion I have embarked this quest on with.

Lanky: If I’m honest with you the old fella’s constant questions about what electricity looks like, whether or not a fairy dies if you say that they don’t exist and his belief that if you run around in a circle fast enough then you can turn back time were just too much. I needed some time to myself so I smacked on Enya’s smash hit ‘Sail Away’ followed up by Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells. They took me to my calm place.

Once we arrived at the resort I could barely contain my excitement despite the fact that it was smashing it down with rain. We were led to a stunning log cabin type place on the very beach of the island itself. It had a porch, air conditioning, a television and, best of all, an outdoor bathroom. Amazing. I mean the toilet was outside, the sink was outside, the shower was outside, the towels were…

When I had returned from a full inspection of said bathroom and my first hot shower in weeks Hayday had pumped himself up for a shearing. I was more than happy to oblige since my instinctive precision and thoroughness ensured I excelled as an amateur stylist.

Hayday: Lanky kindly gave me a short haircut and had one of his blond moments and decided to shave a part of the back of my head with grade 1 rather than 4. In the true Hayden like way I acted with maturity and decided that I would seek revenge at later date. The swine. Having said that the lad did well and when his HR career goes down the pan with the inevitable sex scandal involving Phil Collins, he at least will have hairdressing to fall back on.

I think everything thinks that Lanky and I are a couple and it does not help when the baboon minces around the restaurant and plays camp.

Lanky: All I said was that ‘Jean-Paul and Pierre were coming round later for a group massage session and had he remembered to bring the baby-oil’?

Hayday: One thing that I learnt this weekend is that factor 10 sun cream does not offer that much protection when you forget to put any on your legs – really I just needed to put a tied hanky on my head to complete the British look – what a muppet.

Lanky: I would concur. While it hurts to breath such is the fiery fury of my chest at least my commitment to the long-distant tanning contest I’ve engaged in with a far inferior opponent can’t be questioned.

A Gunning Paradise

Day 9: Sunday 20th October

Hayday: Well the day hasn’t started well as we stayed up to watch the boys get beat at the rugby despite Lanky’s pretty enthusiastic rendition of the national anthem. I did ask Lanky whether we could go and dismantle Male as a result of our loss but he said that we should save that strategy for football tournaments only – I am not sure that he really is a true British thug….maybe his hair cut was an attempt to overcompensate for something else? Both Gawp and I headed back up to our rooms at 2am distraught and exceptionally tired. Before going our separate ways, I informed Tom that bad things usually happened in trio’s and so I predicted that Lewis Hamilton would not win – nothing like Hayday positive thinking! The glass is always half empty. Fact.

Lanky: That evening we were invited to the delightful Bandos resort island to celebrate Teachers’ Day (a day of celebration for all staff but in particular the excellent teachers who worked with and for the Society). We met on Peer 8 at seven fifteen sharp. Well almost; unfortunately I was under the impression that we were to meet at Peer 13. The fact that it soon became apparent that Peer 13 didn’t exist didn’t seem to worry me unduly at the time and I was determined to find it. It was not dissimilar to the time I’d looked for two hours, aged six, for the trolls that I had been reliably informed by my parents inhabited Richmond Park. Luckily for Recharge (I’m seriously considering re-nicknaming him ‘Discharge’) one of the young ladies that works for the Society spotted my loping gait and Hayday’s considerable mane and saved he and I from us engaging in another slightly more fruitless quest by directing us to the appropriate pier and speed boat.

Speedboat! It was pretty exciting stuff brave readers, thrashing over the waves at, well, a rate of noughts. It was only made better by a rather diverting performance by Shakira. Unfortunately she, her supple belly-dancing and her ‘small and humble’s’ were not there in the flesh but via DVD. But we didn’t let that stop us enjoy a truly inspiring and (a)rousing musical performance. We also had an opportunity to talk to Afia, the CEO of Care Society, for the first time. She seemed a very friendly individual and also very switched on which was a bit worrying… This conversation was, of course, to the backdrop of Shakira’s fantastic duet with Wyclef Jean.

Speedily and presently we arrived at the resort and were welcomed onto a wooden hit that overlooked the water full of all sorts of fishy things. We then walked excitedly to a large veranda situated roughly 30 metres into the sea where there lay a delightful buffet. It was cracking stuff. Indeed such was the quality of the scram I’m sure I saw, for one moment, two smouldering dots in the dark which I can only assume were Marco Pierre-White’s red devilish eyes burning in the night.

It was a delightful affair as we both had a great chance to fraternise and socialise with the staff from Care Society in a picturesque and relaxed setting. It was really great to see how much the Society valued it’s employees and how truly it was appreciated by the employees. And us.

Day 10: Monday 21st October

Hayday: We were taken out for breakfast by Aunty, Shidhatha and Fathimath (founder of Care Society) – it cost £1 which included coffee. Not sure that either of us really felt like having a curry for breakfast but when needs must and all that. It was nice and we have made a note of where this place was – it had WIFI. Lanky informed me that this means I can use my laptop without cables.

Lanky: The old fellow does struggle with all these concepts. He kept asking how it could be there if he couldn’t see it. ‘Electricity doesn’t look like water then?’ he asked on more than one occasion. He often reminds me of Bumble...how curious.

Hayday: On our way back we tried to find the building that has information on Islands that we can book for the weekend. It started to rain and as both Lanky and I were in a ratty mood we went and got pizza from a really nice place opposite the ‘hotel’. As we sat there a storm whipped in and we could barely see 60 yards ahead. However in front of us over 50 dolphins swam and jumped past –simply breathtaking – although we did discuss who could hit one with a stone from the table…….joke eco warriors joke.

Day 11: Tuesday 23rd October

Hayday: Both Lanky and I were on top form this morning and had a good chat on the way – I have no idea what the hell it was about but if I were a gambling man I would put £10 on football. Bloody Arsenal supporter – for some strange reason all the Maldivian’s that I have met seem to support the Gooners. Lanky is in heaven and after they announce who they support it usually results in him cheering in my face – I have informed him that it is a developing nation and one would expect them to support such a mickey mouse outfit.

Lanky: That soir we marched off to another café overlooking the sea. There I ordered a Tomato and Onion salad, heavy on the tomato. However as I had taken the precaution of not only saying to the waiter in pigeon English my order but I’d also highlighted it on the menu and evoked the dish through mimicry I received a salad sparse of tomatoes and overflowing with onions. Recharge reliably informed me that the waiter had repeated my order to me to signal he understood as I was limbering up for the mime show.

Day 12: Wednesday 24th October

Hayday: Today we booked to go to Meeru Island Resort for the weekend (Friday and Saturday) – which means that we will be allowed booze. Thank god. However (Mr and Mrs Nettel) I will ensure that I water down his beer with some lemonade.

Tonight we were invited back to Care Society for a leaving do for one of the office staff. Therefore we had a free dinner and had the opportunity to get to know our hosts better.

Day 13: Thursday 25th October

Hayday: Just found out Liverpool lost last night. Shit day as this means that Lanky will be in my face. Going to be mature about it though by not speaking to him.

Lanky: Unfortunate that considering Arsenal spanked some ex-communist nobodies in the citadel of the Grove the night before. Seven what? Seven boys...

Phil Collins – A Latter-day Wizard

Week 2

Day 8: Saturday 19th October

Hayday: Bit of a late start to the day as we had stayed up watching ‘Usual Suspects’ last night. Truly brilliant film although all I heard throughout it was “where is Phil Collins”….“Why did they not use Phil’s music”. This bloody obsession.

Lanky: Hey he won an Oscar for his soundtrack to Tarzan and his performance in Hook was quite incredible so don’t knock him. We shouldn’t forget that at the age of five he was given a toy drum-kit and learnt drumming to the radio and TV. He’s never learnt to read or write conventional musical notation. Instead he’s devised his own system. His own system! For pity’s sake can you not see the man’s a virtuoso; a latter-day wizard?

Hayday: We got the boat across and headed for an island called Hule-Male – the new Male. A few clouds came over but in that usual British like way we jumped into the sea and started chucking the rugby ball around. A few droplets of rain came down but there was nothing significant. When we got back to Male we decided to go to the artificial beach near our hotel and chuck the rugby ball around – you have probably guessed that the ball has become our new best friend. As ever we were joined by the youth of Male although things got a little heated at one point. Lanky who was hungry at this time was getting agitated at a wee boy that kept howling at him ‘Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy ENNNGGGLIIIIIIIIIIISSSSH’ for the ball – you could see in Tom’s eyes that he just wanted to lay this kid out – but thankfully reverted to throwing the ball at this kids head at about 100mph! I just looked on bewildered and thought ‘is this really the future of the NHS’!!!!!!

Lanky: Uh yes it is. Sometimes you have to be firm but fair (like the Russian police). That pesky little runt was seriously vexing me. Couldn’t throw either, the chump.

Right now that we have that out of the way...

Week 1

Day 1: Saturday 13th October

Lanky: I must admit that the beginning of my trip to the Land of a Thousand Isles didn’t exactly get off to a perfect start. Extraordinarily I had been unable to acquire the linen short suit (preferably cream) or the union jack thong that I had been so desperately seeking. Consequently, and I think understandably, I felt apprehensive.

It was a long, long plane journey which included a whistle stop tour of the rather opulent Dubai airport (which Hayday informed me that when he last was there for his honeymoon wasn’t very busy at all; which was interesting) and Colombo via the medium (read tedium) of the inside of our plane.

Hayday: We arrived at Male airport slightly exhausted from a long trip but full of excitement for the challenge that lay ahead. Unfortunately Care Society were absent from our arrival and neither of us had thought – slightly alarmingly as we are meant to be the future of the health service – to bring details of the ‘arranged’ accommodation. After some fantastic engagement by Lanky with the airport authorities, assisted by his fluent ‘Maldivian’ accent, we were ushered to a boat which took us across the pond to the capital.

Lanky: Once we arrived and negotiated getting onto the dock with our handbags and Luis Vuitton suitcases we walked five minutes up the road and reached the inconspicuous Flavia Inn.

It was a bit of a blow initially to be led to what was a pretty dingy and unpleasant room. I wouldn’t say I’m fussy but after an hour’s sleep over 2 days I was feeling pretty cantankerous and unhappy at the prospect of a tiny and unappetising room which Richard and I would feasibly have to share for many a night to come. It was not what I expected.

I was only further unsettled by my brief doze that followed as I fell into a trance induced by a severe lack of sleep that was terrorised somewhat by the legendary cricket commentator David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd’s words of wisdom, emitting from a surprisingly able television in the room, on a cricket pitch in Sri Lanka somewhere. His lyricism led me to believe, in my slightly confused state, that I was being caressed by the old codger as he commented on my surprisingly moist yet firm condition.

Hayday: Honesty is always the best policy so I confess that we actually fell asleep on the double bed together but apart from a wry wink from Lanky it was sleep and sleep only…although I did have some unusual discharge from my left ear. (Lanky: Apologies. Bumble must have got me more excited than I thought.)

We went for a swim in the sea near the accommodation – there is a bay that is used by the locals and we took the rugby ball along to play between ourselves…..well 2 minutes in to the game we were joined by several Maldivian young chaps and watched with much amusement by a crowd of locals.

N.B. Clarification of amusement…not that it is really needed….is that Lanky throws the ball like a girl and refuses to get his hair wet….big tart.

Lanky: Firstly I’d just like to clarify that there is nothing wrong with throwing like a girl. In fact I throw very much like Osleidys Menéndez, two-time world champion and Olympic gold medalist at the Women’s Javelin. You all know Osleidys…right?

Secondly Hayday’s about as nimble as an elephant on Rohypnol and managed to slice his foot up on the rocks. Twice. I’m beginning to realise the fella has a penchant for self-mutilation. I hope it doesn’t spread.

Day 2: Sunday 14th October

Lanky: Last night was a bit of a struggle. We hit the sack at about ten in an attempt to get a decent night’s kip but one that ensured that we weren’t too smacked up by the jet-lag. Unfortunately when I woke up I felt like I’d had been ten rounds with Ross Kemp’s wife and had about 4.3 seconds sleep.

Hayday: Ahmed, who actually is called Aruf and who is studying to become a Captain, picked us up in a taxi and took us to Care Society HQ. We met with Ali the Director and Shidhatha. After a succinct chat around our brief, we had a discussion around the Maldives and the government regime in place. Simply fascinating and at times difficult to comprehend – the travel guides really fail to depict the real state of play.

(N.B. Lanky: It’s worth noting that Hayday was a true champion in the meeting, a titan if you will, sounding authoritative while not giving too much a way; while I jibbered unnecessarily and uncontrollably.)

After the meeting Lanky went off on the back of Aruf’s bike to have a haircut. In fact it’s not really a hair cut more of an “English thug” statement.

Lanky: Aruf kindly took me on the back of his scooter through the mean streets of Male. It was pretty fun actually. I was a little scared/petrified in a ‘I may soil myself in a rather meaningful manner at any moment’ way. I realised I’d promised myself aged 8 to never ride a motorcycle after hearing that some vague adult of a godmother had died on one and as a result I had my mother’s voice, which regularly makes an appearance I must admit, chiding me all the way. Actually it went fine Mum and a lot of fun; I just clutched Aruf around his waist as tightly as I could. Once at the lovely ‘Charmer’s Hair Saloon (!)’ I received a rather lovely number 3 and a cracking head massage for one pound sterling. Dapper is not the word.

Hayday: It is a public holiday due to the end of Ramadan so everyone is out which meant we got a lot of looks. Nothing to do with me as there are men on the island that too believe in the value of obesity for a rainy day. I think the looks were more to do with Lanky and his insistence of standing back to back with the locals.

Lanky: Pumped up by numerous victories over the locals in the height contest, that evening we went for a genuinely sumptuous curry in a charming garden restaurant. We followed this with a leisurely coffee and a bit of the old Casino Royale. It got me seriously thinking, do I have ‘a perfectly formed ass’? Does Vesper ever imagine mine under a bespoke tuxedo? Erroneous on both counts I suspect.

I can’t speak for Richard of course.

Day 3: Monday 14th October

Hayday: Still public holidays so we decided after a bite to eat that we would continue in our teaching of rugby. Today’s lesson was how to throw the ball out of the scrum.

Lanky: I tell you what this rugby malarkey ain’t easy. Blessed by those above with an intimidating physique and rippling biceps I’d always thought I’d be perfectly suited. Surprisingly you need to be co-ordinated. Ho hum.

For lunch a fried chicken sandwich and chips aaannd fried rice and fried chicken was gobbled. Jamie Oliver would be proud. It’s not that we’re peasants (much) but it seems the Maldives doesn’t have a particularly discernable culinary culture. I think it has a little to do with the fact that they don’t grow anything ie fruit, chickens (do you grow those?) so it’s pretty regulation globalised munch i.e. pizza and fried chicken. However lunch was lovely none the less and once again Rich and I discussed wide-ranging and speckled topics from sexual diseases to student loans. We’re veritable cultural heavyweights, us.

For dinner we ate at a restaurant heavily populated by Westerners in the vain hope we’d get an opportunity to ingratiate ourselves with some likewise ‘English’. The problem is that without alcohol there simply aren’t the same openings for rampant socialising. As a result we simply spent the first ten minutes feeling slightly awkward in the presence of people who, for the first time in a while, could understand us fully and were like us. Strange that in the hope of gaining increased acceptance we had ended up feeling a more acute estrangement. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about STIs so loudly in future?

Day 4: Tuesday 15th October

Hayday: First day at work. We got a taxi to take us to Care Society HQ although the taxi driver had no idea where he was going – we were taken to a few locations first and at each he turned round with a hopeful look in his eyes. We finally arrived and had to pay the price for the varied root – well it cost 50p!

Lanky (aka Gawp) was simply awesome and naturally begun to ask questions and engage with the staff. Definitely a natural leader of men…when in the Maldives.

We had a meeting today with Care Society which was interesting – we had been given a song to sing by previous trainees which we were told to deliver as it would impress the Care Society staff.

Gawp being the lanky baboon that he is decided to tell them that we had a song for them and with that the room became populated and we had to bang out this song!!

They scored us 4 out of 10 but have set the challenge to achieve 10 out of 10 by the time we leave.

Day 5: Wednesday 16th October

Hayday: Another day at work but thank god we found the Bakery.

Lanky: We also had a fascinating lunch with Aruf yet again during which we discussed the recent bombings in which a number of tourists including two British national were seriously injured. Aruf informed us that certain people think that the government may well have been responsible. It’s difficult to really know what to believe and it strikes me that Aruf is somewhat of a young cynic seduced by conspiracy theories however such is the political climate with an apparent dictatorship, albeit an apparently benign one at that if that’s at all possible, that it does seem plausible and understandable. The argument in favour of this theory, as usually told by a frantic Mel Gibson, is that the incompetence of the bombers is such (apparently they happened to conveniently set off the bomb via a mobile phone in the direct line of a widely known and conspicuous camera and dump the incriminating evidence not in the middle of the sea but helpfully by the dock) that it suggests the bombing was used to distract and divert attention from more sensitive matters for the government that were reaching a crescendo that it does seem a convincing perspective.

Day 6: Thursday 17th October

Hayday: After work we went on a mission to find booze. We went over to the airport and found a swanky new hotel with a bar. Thank god for alcohol.

Lanky chickened out of the challenge to swim back to Male. But I guess that is what happens when you drink sherry in the sun.

Day 7: Friday 18th October - weekend

Hayday: We met Aruf and his friends and headed across to an island ‘Hule Male’ which is being called the new Male. The boat trip cost 20p and took around 20 minutes. Before getting on the boat we had to queue and the locals just looked at Lanky with amazement – a little toddler could not take her eyes of him and I informed our new friends that he gets the same reaction in the UK!! Now new Male is an island whereby the government are allowing the wealthy to build their houses and offer the chance of locals to win land there in a lottery – the only catch is that you have to pay for the build of the house and those that win amazingly seem to be in with the government! It is a weird place – the infrastructure looks impressive and some of the accommodation looks really good.

Lanky started to begin his magic on the ladies…

Lanky: Well that’s not quite true. I happened to have a conversation with some of them and this seemed to be reason enough for ‘X and Y, sitting in a tree…’ songs to begin emitting from the rest of the group. Kids eh?

Hayday: We played a few Maldivian games on the beach and then ventured into a game of ‘truth or dare’. Without alcohol.

Lanky: I tell you what ‘Recharge Andrew Hayden’ (as everyone thinks he’s called in the office) they are one crazy gang these Maldivians.

Care Society (Why we are here)

Care Society is a leading Maldivian Non Government Organisation (NGO) seeking to provide education, awareness and rehabilitation services for both children and adults with a disability in the Maldives.

Since its conception in 1998 it has grown rapidly, particularly since the 2004 Asian Tsunami, and has expanded its services and remit both in scope and geography. Over the last four years Care Society’s workforce, project remit, partner organisations and financial flow have almost doubled. The organisation has grown from 5 founding members and local ad hoc volunteers to 34 full time paid employees coordinating projects across the Maldives with responsibility for budgets of over a million US dollars.

Re-evaluation of employees’ job roles, workforce development, organisation processes and structure has not kept up with the growth of Care Society. There is a real need for robust Human Resources input into developing the direction of Care Society in the future and ensuring its workforce and organisational structures and processes reflect current and future need.